Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Kirby Man

So throughout the holidays, I wasn't blogging. Mostly I was Christmas shopping, stressing about Christmas shopping, tossing and turning about trying to find good gifts, trying to keep my kids healthy, my dog happy, and wondering where in the heck my magic wand was buried in all my mess so that I could just flick the thing and be surrounded in immediate cleanliness. Amidst all of this, the Kirby Sales team decides to knock on my door. The Warlock answered the door and was sending them away, but then somebody saw me chasing Bardo and Hunter away from the Christmas tree room. "Please ma'am we just want to do a quick demonstration so we can get paid. We're doing stairs today." I looked at their faces, felt a wave of compassion, and then looked at my stairs; they hadn't been vacuumed in a couple of weeks.

"Okay," I replied, "A quick demonstration."

I really thought they would zip on in, vacuum my stairs, and then zip right back out. But two completely different people came into my house, and evidently they didn't hear about the "real quick" demonstration. Not wanting to be rude, I sat on my couch and watched as they first used my Dyson to vacuum a patch of floor, and then proceeded to vacuum the same patch with the Kirby vacuum over and over and over again. They didn't fill the bag with dust, they just vacuumed the dust onto dozens of white circles, showing me the details on the vacuum cleaner for THIRTY minutes. They asked me if I loved my Dyson. I'm sorry, but I don't have it in me to love a vacuum cleaner. "Why did you spend so much money on a vacuum you don't love?" At this point I was tiring of the chit-chat, I was trying to make dinner, my counters were piled high from the grocery shopping. This was a waste of my time.

"You've got five minutes." I replied. "Excuse me?" The Kirby Man must have been deaf from all that time next to the vacuum, I guess. So I spoke a little louder. "I invited you in for a quick demonstration. Quick means 15 minutes or less, you've been here 45. You've got five minutes to wrap this up, then you need to leave." "Okay here's the price of a Kirby cleaning system ($2000!), and let me show you one last feature. Where's the nearest mattress?" So I led him up to Pippi's room and he proceeded to vacuum her mattress, this time vacuuming the dust onto black circles. "What do you think this is?" "Can you believe your daughter is sleeping in such filth?" I guess most people are apalled by the dead skin cells, dust, and lint that come off the mattress. Not me. That's why I wash sheets weekly. "Times up. You need to go now." "But I'm not finished with my demonstration. I just want to do a little bit more cleaning so that I can get paid." "Sorry," I said as I headed down the stairs, "I've got kids to get to bed. You need to get out." "May I borrow your phone?" "No." "But I can't leave. I need to call for my ride to come and get me. Please I just want to finish the demonstration." I handed him the phone, saying, "Call your boss."

And then on my phone he calls his boss. I hear him saying. "They're asking me to leave. I did it....It was disgusting." The Kirby Man then looks at Nick, "Please Sir just let me finish the demonstration."

The Warlock, my constant support, says, "You'll do as my wife says."

He then spoke back into my phone, "They're making me leave, and they are being really rude about it. Okay." He got off the phone, "They can get us in 5 minutes."

But the Warlock had had enough, "You need to get out of my house, or I'm going to call the police."

"Can I please just pack up my stuff?"


And we ran them out of there. All of the white dusty circles covered the floor. He turns, and after all those things he said right in front of me about my house, and about our manners, thanks me for my time and says that the woman that told me it would be quick wasn't supposed to say that...

So you know, I won't be buying a Kirby. Ever. Well, maybe I will if they someday become a respectable company and start selling their vacuums in stores.


Amberly said...

I have tears streaming down my face and Denten laughed his head off after saying, "who buys a kirby anyway, how are they still in business?" we went through something similar a while ago and have complete compassion for you. How does a young person intend to sell you anything for $2000 after coming into your personal space and insulting your cleaning skills? thanks for sharing this one, while it was torture for you, it proved to be hilarious.

Lisa said...

The same thing happened to Adam and I. During the part were they vaccuum the bed, he had the nerve to say that the dust may increase the chance of SIDS to a pregnant woman. They came in because they said they wanted to clean my carpet, and i had been wanting to get that done anyway. Oh big mistake though I had know idea that he would just let us eat our dinner infront of him and then be told repeatly that I had an appointment and to hurry up. Can you believe they even come out to the middle of nowhere in the desert! BTW... it is exactly the same prestentation we had and Adam and I thought the same thing. A great product means it is easy to buy, and an annoying door to door salesman who has to be picked up by his boss is not an easy way to purchase a product.

Prudence said...

FUNNY! I think I've lived on base too long! I've never had to deal with an experience like this but now I have a heads up! Never let a Kirby salesman in!

amor said...

Sooooo funny, you are a witty writer for sure!

citymama1 said...

That's hilarious! Way to show them who's boss. Note to self: don't buy Kirby.

Prairie Smoke said...

This experience reeks with familiarity. I've had Kriby sales persons offer me sets of knives to demonstrate vacuums. I've had them offer to clean a room of my choice in order to demonstrate their handy-dandy carpet cleaner. Well, they cleaned a 2 ft by 4 ft area. The kids they get to work for them don't seem to drive half the time. It's pathetic.

tenacious d said...

I will never let these people into my home EVER. They caught you at a vunerable time, plus we all have that Mormon-y "It wouldn't be nice to send these people away" ingrained in us.

Sisyphus said...

Don't let the Silly Witch fool you. She was kind with both the tone and the content of what I said. I believe that I said that they had 30 seconds to be out of my house or I was calling the police.

Did I mention that I would have been within well-entrenched gray area had I shot them at that point, given Texas' new castle doctrine?