The Kirby Man

So throughout the holidays, I wasn't blogging. Mostly I was Christmas shopping, stressing about Christmas shopping, tossing and turning about trying to find good gifts, trying to keep my kids healthy, my dog happy, and wondering where in the heck my magic wand was buried in all my mess so that I could just flick the thing and be surrounded in immediate cleanliness. Amidst all of this, the Kirby Sales team decides to knock on my door. The Warlock answered the door and was sending them away, but then somebody saw me chasing Bardo and Hunter away from the Christmas tree room. "Please ma'am we just want to do a quick demonstration so we can get paid. We're doing stairs today." I looked at their faces, felt a wave of compassion, and then looked at my stairs; they hadn't been vacuumed in a couple of weeks.

"Okay," I replied, "A quick demonstration."

I really thought they would zip on in, vacuum my stairs, and then zip right back out. But two completely different people came into my house, and evidently they didn't hear about the "real quick" demonstration. Not wanting to be rude, I sat on my couch and watched as they first used my Dyson to vacuum a patch of floor, and then proceeded to vacuum the same patch with the Kirby vacuum over and over and over again. They didn't fill the bag with dust, they just vacuumed the dust onto dozens of white circles, showing me the details on the vacuum cleaner for THIRTY minutes. They asked me if I loved my Dyson. I'm sorry, but I don't have it in me to love a vacuum cleaner. "Why did you spend so much money on a vacuum you don't love?" At this point I was tiring of the chit-chat, I was trying to make dinner, my counters were piled high from the grocery shopping. This was a waste of my time.

"You've got five minutes." I replied. "Excuse me?" The Kirby Man must have been deaf from all that time next to the vacuum, I guess. So I spoke a little louder. "I invited you in for a quick demonstration. Quick means 15 minutes or less, you've been here 45. You've got five minutes to wrap this up, then you need to leave." "Okay here's the price of a Kirby cleaning system ($2000!), and let me show you one last feature. Where's the nearest mattress?" So I led him up to Pippi's room and he proceeded to vacuum her mattress, this time vacuuming the dust onto black circles. "What do you think this is?" "Can you believe your daughter is sleeping in such filth?" I guess most people are apalled by the dead skin cells, dust, and lint that come off the mattress. Not me. That's why I wash sheets weekly. "Times up. You need to go now." "But I'm not finished with my demonstration. I just want to do a little bit more cleaning so that I can get paid." "Sorry," I said as I headed down the stairs, "I've got kids to get to bed. You need to get out." "May I borrow your phone?" "No." "But I can't leave. I need to call for my ride to come and get me. Please I just want to finish the demonstration." I handed him the phone, saying, "Call your boss."

And then on my phone he calls his boss. I hear him saying. "They're asking me to leave. I did it....It was disgusting." The Kirby Man then looks at Nick, "Please Sir just let me finish the demonstration."

The Warlock, my constant support, says, "You'll do as my wife says."

He then spoke back into my phone, "They're making me leave, and they are being really rude about it. Okay." He got off the phone, "They can get us in 5 minutes."

But the Warlock had had enough, "You need to get out of my house, or I'm going to call the police."

"Can I please just pack up my stuff?"

"No."

And we ran them out of there. All of the white dusty circles covered the floor. He turns, and after all those things he said right in front of me about my house, and about our manners, thanks me for my time and says that the woman that told me it would be quick wasn't supposed to say that...

So you know, I won't be buying a Kirby. Ever. Well, maybe I will if they someday become a respectable company and start selling their vacuums in stores.

Pippi's Talk

Last month Pippi gave a talk in primary. All of the words were hers, and she stood up confidently as I stood behind her for moral support. This is her talk:

"Jesus lived on the earth a long, long, long time ago.

"Jesus helped some people that were sick.

"He washed His disciples feet.

"He died for us. He made it possible so we can live with Heavenly father again.

"He's still real even though he's up in Heaven. Heaven is real.

"Jesus is going to come back to the earth someday."

The girl practiced like crazy. I couldn't believe how much she enjoyed standing on the piano bench and giving her talk to Hunter. She also gave it to Bardo during lunch. And then she practiced over and over again in the car on the way to church. And all the practice paid off, because her talk was perfect.

Scooper

This is such a great skill, but I still have to hang out at the table while he eats because he throws the spoon, and sometimes the bowl, when he's done.

The Branch

This looks just like an ordinary Christmas tree branch, but those of you know Pippi, know that there is no such thing as "just" a branch, or a rock, or a flower, or a hole in the ground.

You'll notice that this particular branch is wearing a piece of twine. This twine has served as a leash for our "new pet" Mimi. Mimi is a dog that only likes girls, and she bites everyone else. Pippi has had a heck of a time socializing this pup. However Pippi's quite attached, and Hunter loves having a friend to chew on.

Coconut Update

We did, in fact, open the coconut all the way. We enjoyed this coconut far more than the processed coconut products we usually use. Each member of the family ate a share of the coconut meat. We will buy a coconut again, maybe...

Flag Football Practice #1

So evidently flag football is a "boys sport." When Pippi and I arrived at practice, I was very disappointed to discover that she was the only girl there, and that all the other mothers were staring at me. Luckily ten minutes later the other girl showed up. The other mother and I were instant friends.

Pippi ran a couple of patterns, caught one ball, threw one ball, and then spent the rest of the time talking in the middle of the field with the other girl. The boys looked like they'd been born holding footballs and running pass patterns. They ran circles around the conversing girls.

The coach would talk to Pippi, and I don't think she understood what the heck he was saying. "Your gonna run an L pattern and then the quarterback is gonna hit you." I don't know about you, but in my six-year-old world hitting was very very wrong.

Business Trip

The Warlock's been gone since Sunday, and I've been appalled at my reaction to his first business trip. Usually when the Warlock goes away (for football games, backpacking, or the bar exam), he calls quite frequently to tell us how much he loves us and wishes we could be with him. This time, it's been very very different. He's called, but to say that he only has thirty seconds and then must go back to work. I'm finding myself going through a grief cycle of sorts. I'm fine most of the time, but then I'll be ANGRY. I'll be mad at the warlock for choosing this demanding job, mad at his firm, and then mad at myself for being such a baby. I'll clean like mad for an hour, and then sit down and stare at the dog. Anyway, Warlock come home! We miss you! Single parenthood is NOT for me.

Treat Training

Hunter and I finished our second puppy class. He learned to Sit, Lay Down, Do Puppy push-ups and walk on a leash. The trainer added rolling over as just a fun little bonus because Hunter is so smart.

I can't believe how many times he would do these behaviors for a treat. Over and over and over again he was sitting, laying down, walking around on a leash, as long as there was a promise of a treat. Can you imagine if people were as easy to train? Just think what I could do with the Warlock. "Honey come cuddle with me, I have Cookie Dough Ice Cream..." Or Pippi, "Pippi, you can have a honey nut Cheerio for each piece of clothing you pick up off the floor, and a cookie if you don't throw your socks on the floor in the first place." With Bardo: "Come on sweetie, the treat is on the chair, not the table. Down, Bardo." Okay, maybe that might work.