Sunday, October 11, 2009

From the Gourmand Files

[Message begins]

Agent: [redacted]
Date: October 10, 2009

Subject [redacted}, a/k/a "The Warlock", is exploring finely crafted chili for upcoming church competition with client [redacted], a/k/a "The Silly Witch". Managed to get a description and lo-res digitals. Report follows.

Subject purchased [redacted], [redacted], [redacted], [redacted] and [redacted] peppers at a local grocer. Peppers were split into hot and mild groups and dried in an oven at 175 for [redacted] hours, resulting in dry and earthy pods.




Subject attempted to grind both sets of peppers with old-fashioned mortar and pestle, eschewing modern blender. Particulate matter made manual grinding due to irritated nasal cavities, so subject tried a number of methods to facilitate proper breathing. Initial use of motorcycle helmet provided only limited protection.

Secondary use of commercially available snorkel was the preferable choice.

Grinding produced a coarse powder.



Subject also toasted approximately [redacted] of [redacted] seeds and ground them as well:


Subject finally smoked [redacted] and [redacted] peppers using [redacted] wood until smokey and pulpy. Smoked peppers were pureed using traditional blender:


Upon completion, subject browned two pounds of [redacted] beef with bacon, red onion and garlic. To this he added 2T of mild pepper powder, 1T of hot pepper powder, 2T of ground [redacted] seeds, 1T kosher salt, 2T smoked pepper mixture, two cans tomato paste and six cups water. Subject then let this stew while he ran for 8 miles, or approximately 1 hour.

Upon return, subject added unknown thickening agent for the following results:

Just prior to consumption, subject added secret unexpected ingredient [redacted] based on flavors experienced at local favorite restaurant [redacted].

Subject remarked that resulting product was "hotter than the fires of hell and damnation itself" and "perfect". Secret ingredient resulted in proper undertones. Plans to add more meat and tone down heat for public consumption, but otherwise plans to leave unchanged for competition. Expect this formulation to be especially potent and formidable.

Recommendation: inform client that chances of her victory at competition are not good and suggest withdrawal as face-saving measure.

[Message ends]


4 comments:

Witty said...

Haha! Sounds like a very serious competition.

Melissa said...

I think I'd rather eat the flower soup - but the process is quite impressive :)

Lisa said...

I like you! That was the most fun "non-recipe" I have ever read!

Prairie Smoke said...

This was hysterical! I was going to ask for the recipe for our upcoming church chili contest. But considering the outcome, maybe I'll pass.